My standard advice for those contemplating a trip to Waco ranges from “be prepared to burn your clothes afterward” to “make sure you have plenty of bleach on hand”, but today I thought I’d offer some advice to those brave souls willing to travel to the armpit of America in support of our beloved Frogs (I already lent out my plague mask). Regardless, if you somehow find yourself engaged in conversation with one of the following Baylor fans, you’ll have an extra pinch of blistering sarcasm to serve as ammunition for rebuttal. Seems like the least I could do.
The “Those victims were asking for it” BU Fan – I’m actually cringing as a type this because I’m appalled at how Waco incubates these garbage humans in such volume. But, then again, this is what happens when we let young people out of the basement to teach them math, or let them laugh or play stringed instruments. Remember that these living, breathing pieces of manatee dump who call themselves fans come from belief systems that are as modern and progressive as sock suspenders. In other words, you’re facing an uphill battle. Feign agreement initially, then ask them if they thought the children in Sierra Leone said anything to the RUF before they were kidnapped? What were they wearing when machete-wielding militias attacked their villages? Can we all agree that they wouldn’t need those Kalashnikovs if they made some better life choices along the way? You might find that you’ve trapped them in a circular argument after you’ve explained what RUF stands for, or where Sierra Leone is, or that things have happened on the planet since 1950. Better yet, steer clear of these of these characters. You’ll never get that time back.
The “This kind of thing happens on every campus in America” BU Fan – Sure it does. Every school in America actively structures policies to avoid investigating crimes on campus. All of the local police organizations surrounding those schools take extraordinary steps to keep files pertaining to university crimes out of centralized aggregation systems. Staff at every university in the country discourages victims from pursuing legal action. Every college in all 50 states and related territories has an antiquated student honor code which they leverage to codify misogyny. Just ask these sophisticates to name another school that meets these criteria as an example. Even if they forget Penn State, it should be no problem.
The “This is all Ken Starr’s fault” BU Fan – The problem is not a twisted culture with a dangerously flawed value system. It’s not an administrative approach to student safety that redefines ineptitude. It’s not an entire community in denial. The problem is (was) Ken Starr. Ken Starr was the one who ignored a federal Title IX mandate for years. Ken Starr made sure there was no centralized university procedure for handling sexual assault allegations. Wonder why Art Briles leaned on the old-clueless-redneck leadership structure? That’s right, Ken Starr. But they fired Ken Starr… sort of… OK, they demoted him to a painfully-ironic position with the law school before he eventually resigned. All that matters is that he’s gone now. They even canned McGraw and Briles for good measure so, you know… progress. Ask these geniuses if Ken Starr is also responsible for drug resistant bacteria, rhinoceros poaching and the public water supply in Flint, Michigan? You might be surprised at the response you receive.
*The only proof I need that Ken Starr is probably not responsible for Art Briles being an old, clueless redneck is the look on Briles’ face at any given moment or anything that he says for that matter.
The “There’s no real proof of any wrongdoing” BU Fan – I know, right? No specifics in the Pepper Hamilton Report at all. No names or smoking guns whatsoever. I guess Baylor spent millions of dollars for an oral report because they were trying to keep paper out of the local landfill. Waste not, want not. I’m not surprised that a group of folks who tend to lean toward more literal interpretations of text would discount accusations against the school that don’t include video replay, fingerprints and copies of state issued ID in triplicate. Anyone who’s ever seen me boil pasta knows my stance on textual interpretation so my priorities must be out of balance (I NEVER use 3 quarts of water). Now that I’m thinking of it, do we have any DNA from the knife that stabbed Julius Caesar? Also, the story about how an iceberg sunk the Titanic seems a little flimsy if you ask me. How do we know all those SS officers who relocated to Argentina weren’t just huge asado fans? The Mossad will do ANYTHING to grab a headline in the papers.
The “It was raining and our QBs were injured” BU Fan – Avoid at all costs. These morons make the cast of the Jersey Shore look like MIT faculty. To them “An Inconvenient Truth” refers to where first cousins are listed on the family tree. How can BU be such an unstoppable force when they aren’t worth a squirt of urine in pro football? If Baylor quarterbacks were so great, why don’t they start in front of the dog park that is the list of QBs on the NY Jets roster? Seems like a vast disconnect to me. Remember when Lache Seastrunk was cut from 7 different NFL teams after averaging 7.6 yards per carry in college? The Longhorn Network must be pulling all the strings behind the scenes. Be glad that anyone who lacks basic understanding rhetorical process, medicine or weather has survived to see the fall of 2016 and keep walking.
The “It’s just a dog” BU Fan – I’ve always said that Baylor fans are the Japanese dolphin hunters of college athletics. Does anyone think that these people wouldn’t chase a Flipper steak with a double shot of mercury if it came with a discount on the same brand of washing machines that Kendall Briles used to clean the team jock straps during his time on the UT roster? The monsters who abuse animals are weak-minded cowards who lash out against the crushing inferiority they feel among other biological humans. Sounds like BU these days to me. Ask these fans what an animal does to deserve a beating like that? Why would school leadership tolerate someone like that on campus? My advice to them would be to steer clear of Ismael Zamora. By BU logic, anyone who suffers at his hands merely through proximity to him must have been asking for it.
Violence against women is a very serious problem on college campuses across the country and I do not take it lightly. There are thousands of victims who will wear the scars of the atrocities against them forever. Please consider donating to an organization like endrapeoncampus.org and the like to help these victims and their families. I have.