There have been many suggestions, but this is my list. Â Feel free to disagree, post your own list or troll me online.
#5: Ole Miss
Highly biased opinions and outright fabrications: For years I was indifferent to Ole Miss. I was just happy that there was a landing spot for all the frat guys who lacked the test scores for admission into UT’s McConaughey School of Goin’ Barefoot & Getting Your Pets High. By the time I got to TCU, I was comforted by the notion that there was another place on earth where it is not uncommon for a perfect 10 to be seen on a date with an awkward guy who looks like Jonah Hill’s “Before” photo. Then Old Miss hired Hugh Freeze to the head coaching position and my attitude changed. Hugh Freeze is one of the coaches who is poisoning college football. Would Hugh Freeze throw a bag of puppies in the river for an extra bye week before Alabama? With his track record, it wouldn’t surprise me. Then came the 2014 Peach Bowl. How could a team with that much talent turn in such a garbage performance? I can only assume that they were too busy organizing their W2s to bother.
Stats for the last 5 years:  Ole Miss has been regularly slapped around in the SEC West with 10 wins in 23 games against ranked opponents since 2011. FUN FACT: Ole Miss’ last SEC Championship came one month after the JFK assassination. The Rebels do seem to be the recipient of the Crimson Tide’s annual bed-dump game, but for every win in Tuscaloosa, there’s a 4 touchdown loss in Fayetteville. Thank goodness they were able to replace the regrettable career of Bo Wallace with Chris Rix clone, Chad Kelly. You can read about Kelly and Coach Freeze’s attitude toward discipline here.
#4: Wisconsin
Highly biased opinions and outright fabrications:  I have no beef with the State of Wisconsin. Actress Heather Graham was born in Wisconsin, so it’s not a total wasteland. This is a tale of New Year’s 2010. My wonderful wife (who abides my comments regarding lava-hot actresses) and I were out with friends in downtown Los Angeles when the cast of “Making a Murderer” arrived to dine on aggressively priced Asian-fusion. It was like someone threw a rock at a beehive occupied by thousands of weathered Midwesterners dressed in what can only be described as “Deadliest Catch Cosplay†attire. One gentleman (in what must have been his favorite Dorsey Levens jersey) could not be bothered with our friendly small talk as he passed us in the taxi queue. We thought little of it until the next morning when we shared a hotel elevator with the inspiration from American Gothic, a couple who quickly advised us that they wished they were playing a Pac 10 team. Apparently, the Badgers were off put at the prospect of a lowly Mountain West squad in the “Granddaddy of Them Allâ€. By then my gloves were officially off. Since when is permanent 4th place in the Big Ten a badge of honor? The Badgers went to three Rose Bowls in a row & their coach still bolted to a school where his chances of even making the SEC Championship game sit somewhere between “Manziel Wins Scrabble Tournament” and “Pope Shares Favorite Limerick about Venezuelans” on the probability scale. While what happened in the Rose Bowl that year is enshrined in Frogs history, Wisconsin has had so many loses in Pasadena, I’m sure they’ve all started to run together.
Stats for the last 5 years & 2010:  With all due respect, Wisconsin fans should probably pipe down a bit. They’ve posted 7 wins in 19 contests against ranked teams over the last 5 seasons. In their 2010 Rose Bowl season, they beat #1 Ohio State at home (cue foreshadowing) with their second best win being a lean 31 – 30 win at a #13 Iowa team that would finish the season unranked. Then there was the 59-0 pummeling the Badgers took against Ohio State in the 2014 season finale which ostensibly allowed OSU to jump the Frogs in the CFP standings. Thanks for falling on your swords for a garbage conference BAD-GERS. I’ll be sure to record your opener against LSU. I just hope none of you are permanently injured… psychologically or otherwise.
#3: Florida State
Highly biased opinions and outright fabrications: It’s no secret that the Seminoles have had their fair share of run-ins with the law. This has never really slowed them down since it’s also clear that you’ll see a member of Tallahassee’s constabulary learn fluent Mandarin over a holiday weekend before witnessing the efficient investigation of a Florida State player. Indeed, the judicial treatment of Florida State players must be enough to make El Chapo jealous.   We’re told that these are complicated issues and no one plays dumber than Jimbo Fisher. If cluelessness was test cricket, then Coach Fisher is Sir Donald Bradman (forgive me millennials for attempting to broaden your horizons) . This all came to a head when I casually pointed out that Seminole RB Dalvin Cook was ticketed for animal cruelty 2 months prior to his freshman gridiron debut. I believe people who are cruel to animals should be kicked off the planet, but what do I know?  What followed was a torrent of Twitter trolling from the “Standing Water in My Yard†demographic who derided me for my obvious racism and suggested that I mix some rat poison in with my almond milk. Small engine repairmen / armchair criminal defense attorneys from across the panhandle were also quick to note that the three puppies (aged 2 months to 8 months) that were chained together survived despite being choked and unable to move by their confinement. If the puppies died, it would have been animal “crueltyâ€. Because they survived, the citation was animal “neglect†and therefore totally acceptable human behavior. Don’t even get me started about Mr. Winston. Thanks for being Baylor before Baylor Florida State.  You folks keep things classy down there.
Stats for the last 5 years:  11 wins & 6 losses is a respectable record in games against ranked teams, but the Seminoles have been lucky. Of the 17 total games only 4 have been true road games. In 2012, they had one home win against a ranked team (#10 Clemson) and were rewarded with a trip to the Orange Bowl against… wait for it… #16 Northern Illinois. Their signature win in 2015 was against a #10 Florida team who rolled out a reanimated corpse under center. I give them credit for their National Championship, but I must wonder if their laughably lenient approach to player accountability was worth it.
#2: Ohio State
Highly biased opinions and outright fabrications: No one plays the “We’re Suspending That Student Athlete for Warm Ups†game like Urban Meyer, but that’s secondary to my argument.  For my hate, I need look no further than the horde of muffin tops and mouth breathers that make up Buckeye Nation. I’ve had the misfortune of being in close contact with Ohio State football fans and I’m still searching for the best way to describe the most vapid, annoying fan base that I know. Are they half a million Gollums whose rings grant the wearer the ability to put lipstick on even the ugliest of football pigs? Are they 500,000 Manchurian Candidates who chew with their mouths open and scream “OSU could go undefeated in the PAC 12 every year†the minute anyone utters the trigger phrase “O-H� The Pac 12 nonsense was a direct quote to me from a Buckeye alum the morning before the 2008 BCS Championship game when his beloved Buckeyes received a violent 2-glove cavity search on national television at the hands of a team that lost 2 regular season games. Let no one forget this was the year after OSU was water-boarded in the National Championship by a team with a quarterback who throws footballs like he doesn’t have thumbs. Never let the facts get in the way of your blind narrative.
The Elephant in the Room: For-profit entities that spend millions on sponsorships want the largest possible target base to peddle their moist towel-ettes, minivans and salty snacks. As a close friend put it, “there exists no other group of fans who refuse to consider a food to be a food until it has been dipped in another foodâ€. The cities that host these games want as many people as possible in town to fill the bars that haven’t seen a clean health code inspection since the Bay of Pigs. Ohio State is tailor made for their needs and will always get the benefit of the doubt. The odd factor remains that Buckeye fans still correlate this with the capability of their football team.
Stats for the last 5 years & 2007:  OSU has stuck to their OOC scheduling strategy of “directional Michigans†and “name schools who aren’t as good as they used to beâ€. Buckeye fans should pray that Nebraska, Wisconsin, Penn State, Illinois and Northwestern are ranked between #16-#23 because it’s been proven time and again that two of these wins will get them to the BCS even if they’re pimp-slapped by Michigan State. Ohio State has 11 wins and 7 losses against ranked teams in the last 5 years and 6 of those wins match those very characteristics.  In the 2007 season where the Buckeye’s received the aforementioned cavity search, their 3 signature wins were against #23 Purdue, #24 Penn State and #23 Michigan. Only Michigan would finish the season ranked and yet OSU was still handed a spot in the National Championship.
At least teams like Oregon and Alabama will play a high profile non-conference game to open the season. Not the Buckeyes. They prefer to open the season against the likes of Akron, Buffalo, Navy, Miami (of Ohio of course) and definitely-not-as-good-as-they-used-to-be Virginia Tech. All this will change soon as Ohio State finally steps out from underneath momma’s skirt to play the Horned Frogs in a home & home series starting next year. If the Frogs are too good, I’m sure they’ll cut us a check to bow out. I wouldn’t blame them.
#1: Baylor
No jokes this time: My opinions on that team from Waco are well documented and I’ve struggled with how I might describe Baylor in this article without language that could be construed as disrespectful to Baylor’s victims. It can’t be done. All comedy is borne from tragedy, but this is simply too terrible. I wish that we lived in a universe where all the parties involved in this were punished appropriately for their behavior, but I’m not optimistic. How awful must a culture be to discard so much humanity on the altar of football? It makes me sick. If Baylor had any integrity at all, it would have cancelled this season. With that, some statistics:
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Lives, not stats:
Tevin Elliott – Convicted on 2 counts of sexual assault for the 2012 crime. 3 other victims have come forward. Elliott still denies any wrongdoing.
Sam Okwuachu – Convicted of sexual assault for Oct 2013 crime. “Cleared†by Baylor investigation. In June 2015, Phil Bennett advised Baylor boosters that he expected Okwuachu to play during the 2015 season. Recruited from Boise State after having been dismissed from the team there.
Shawn Oakman – Indicted in June of 2016 for a second degree sexual assault which allegedly took place in April of 2016. Currently out on bond and innocent until proven guilty.
Devin Chafin – Accused by one woman of multiple physical assaults in 2014. Even with an arrest for marijuana, missed no games in 2015. Recently dismissed from Baylor.
Rami Hammad – Charged with felony stalking charges in July of 2016.
Tre’von Armstead & Shamycheal Chatman – Allegations of a sexual assault which (again allegedly) took place in 2013. A police report indicating that the school was contacted can be found here. It took Baylor two years to investigate the accusations in clear violation of federal law. Armstead was dismissed from the team in 2015 for a “violation of team rulesâ€. No charges filed.