Two weeks ago I sat in quiet solitude in the activity room here at the monastery and felt my mask of sanity slipping when I realized few YouTube rabbit holes remained after this summer’s thorough exploration. I even purchased $25 worth of art supplies and painted along with Bob Ross one afternoon.
Happy Trees.
“Mountain Majesty†alerted me to the notion that if football were cancelled outright, the reckless pursuit of input might result in my demise well prior to 2017. Thank God for football. Without further delay.
#10: USC
Highly biased opinions and outright fabrications: My two years in a Pac-10 (at the time) business school did little to assuage my dislike for all things USC.  The Trojans are truly the “more is less†team of college football. For every USC future All-Pro it seems like at least half dozen blue chips stink up their roster, more interested in Los Angeles than football. In 2012, USC had 5 offensive linemen ranked in the composite Top #5 at their positions out of high school and not a single one of them currently occupies an NFL roster. In contrast, the Frog’s Halapoulivaati Vaitai (the #60 composite OL from that year) is currently in camp with the Eagles.
Stats for the last 5 years:  The Trojans sit firmly in the “Unsatisfactory†category with a record of 5 wins & 12 losses against ranked teams since the 2011 season. Of those 5 wins, only 1 (#10 Arizona, 2014) was on the road.  USC has lost 22 games over the last 5 years and fans are still force-fed the “a win against the Trojans is a quality win” narrative.  We will hear it again this year.  Three big losses against Stanford (a team that actually makes their athletes qualify academically) have punctuated the Trojan’s ineptitude. Perhaps a local pro team will reduce the obvious efforts to promote teams in the largest television market in the country.
#9: Alabama / Nick Saban
Highly biased opinions and outright fabrications: I can’t prove that Nick Saban sold his soul in 1995 to a red gentleman with horns and hooves. I can’t prove that he stood atop a mountain in Scandinavia and stabbed a unicorn to death for 30 years of unnatural recruiting powers. I can’t prove that a colony of bats brings him his playbook & whistle before every practice and game. These are simply things that I choose to believe.
Stats for the last 5 years:  3 National Championships in 5 years is pretty good. They lose to Ole Miss with some amusing frequency and there was a troubling loss against Ohio State in 2014 which bailed out the Playoff Committee but… 3 in 5 years. Sweet free-running Christ, I’m sick of the Crimson Tide.
#8: Notre Dame
Highly biased opinions and outright fabrications: I get it. Selling commercial slots for the game telecast has got to be easier when the team in question has a large, national fan base. Perhaps no team has parlayed this fact into more benefit of the doubt than the Fighting Irish. The sheer magnitude of the Notre Dame bias was on display last year when a 4 point road win at #21 Temple (who covered the spread by 6 & finished the season unranked) resulted in a move UP the rankings. There were even some talking heads who suggested Notre Dame might warrant Playoff consideration as late as November. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.
Stats for the last 5 years:  Notre Dame boasts a snore-inducing record of 10 wins and 10 losses against ranked teams in the last 5 years. Let’s hope that middle-of-the-road Pac 12 & Big Ten teams each get a card from the Irish at the holidays since 6 of those 10 wins were from Mich, MSU, ASU & Stanford (all ranked between 10th and 22nd). Sound good?  It’s not. Only 3 of those 10 teams finished the season ranked higher than when they played the Irish. 4 of the 10 finished the season unranked. The average rank of teams that the Irish have beaten? 16th. But yeah… they should be in the playoff conversation.
#7: Texas
Highly biased opinions and outright fabrications: I once called the University of Texas Longhorn football program “dumpster juiceâ€. It’s a title they’ve earned. I recall a time when you couldn’t throw a cinder block in Dallas without hitting an Escalade with a “Texas Ex†sticker on the rear window. Oh how times have changed. There was no shortage of Longhorn grads chirping at us lowly TCU fans prior to the Frogs’ 2007 loss in Austin. Now you can’t even find a Sergio Kindle jersey to wear ironically.  All those rabid UT fans must be frozen in ice with instructions to thaw when that Iowa State matchup isn’t so much of a “nail biter”.  The only thing the Longhorns faithful have forgotten faster than their football team was that rich great-aunt who willed everything to NPR.
Stats for the last 5 years:  Since this is a post for the whole family, I chose not tabulate all the recent Longhorn failures. Only one game demands a mention. Please recall the following facts from the Frogs’ 50 to 7 curb-stomping of UT last year.
- TCU led 33 to nothing after the first quarter
- The score was 50 to nothing before the 4th quarter
- One of the UT defensive backs tweeted his desire to transfer during HALFTIME
#6: Oregon
Highly biased opinions and outright fabrications: Salad shooters, magnetic/copper/snake urine power bracelets, mega cleanse programs and zero-down house flipping seminars all seem like really ridiculous ideas to anyone with a teaspoon of common sense. We’ve all got that buddy who tells everyone about his “systemâ€, in spite of his non-existent understanding of statistics and Asian blackjack dealers. That’s Oregon football. The Ducks have this high powered offense that looks amazing until they run into a team that can pass rush with 4 down linemen. Then they don’t look very good. They look like your buddy next to the automated teller in the Cosmo lobby waiting for midnight.
Stats for the last 5 years:  I only have to go back 1 game. The 2015 Alamo Bowl. The largest (tie) comeback in bowl history. Who’d have believed that backup center was such a critical piece of the Oregon offensive machine. No one seems to recall that the Frogs were missing: All American quarterback, All American wide receiver, center, left guard and over 100 lost starts on defense. Thank you purple shirt.
You’ll see the “Muffin Tops and Mouth Breathers” portion of this analysis next week.