Fury Toad’s NFL Draft – Live

We now gather to witness perhaps the biggest collective resource drain in the country among the key demographic.  Millions of wasted work hours have come to this and we’re here to cover it with our panel of total amateurs.  The annual football drought has taken a toll on all of us, but tonight we get a taste of the Fall.  Among them:

EH – Volatile Canadian-American with numerous penalty minutes. Responsible for more high-sticking than a pole vaulter.

JM – aka Leon “Rooster” Jones, ordained literary scholar.

BH – Dubious claim:”He wouldn’t even answer calls from the Browns”.  Parent.

BC – Owns a taco stand in Park Cities.  Calls it like he sees it.  Injury prone.

FT – Psychologically compromised blogger

So it Begins:

5:51pm CST – BC – [Texts photo of Zeke Elliot in crop top] “Mezekiel Melliott off my draft board.”

5:52pm – EH – [Referring to Elliot’s Red Carpet attire] “That’s at least a 2 year suspension from Goddell”

5:58pm – FT – There’s a non-zero probability that Mel Kiper will have a massive heart attack on camera tonight.

5:59pm – BC – “My ideal draft scenario: Rams surprise everyone by taking Wentz, Eagles are shocked and panic and take Zeke Elliott, then Cleveland trades back to the 3 spot to take Goff who then tears both ACLs in a jet ski accident next week.”

6:00pm – Group consensus is that taking a RB in the first round of the Draft is now understood to be a terrible move.

6:01pm – Group agrees that the Patriots, even without a pick, will still perform better than the Chargers in the first round.

6:23pm – FT – Jack Conklin looks like “Larry” from Meatballs when he battled “The Stomach” in the hot dog eating contest.  Seriously.

6:25pm – FT – “JM definitely going to see Keanu: Gangster Kitten tomorrow.”

6:30pm – BH – [On the topic of Bosa’s mom] He definitely still would.

6:36pm – EH – “Doctson, oh no”.

6:38pm – FT – Very surprised they put Nkemdiche on that high up off the stage.  Heard he’s had some problems with heights.

6:42pm – JM – Believes that Mel Kiper also has a list of best available assault & battery defense attorneys.

6:45pm – JM – “What’s the O/U on the # of times Gruden uses the term ‘high motor’”?

6:48pm – JM – “Two villages were massacred to gather enough diamonds for Laquon Treadwell’s watch.”

6:50pm – BH – “I just beer bonged 6 Silver Bullets and I’m taking the dogs for a walk… plz text picks every 20 mins or so.”

6:52pm – EH – “Goff looks like he stuffed a tablecloth in his suit pocket.”

6:55pm – JM – “Rumors abound that Sam Bradford is on Periscope right now threatening to shoot himself when the Eagles draft a QB.  Will probably miss.”

6:56pm – Group sends numerous “fire” emojis.

6:56pm – EH – “Likely dislocate an elbow trying to pull the trigger.”

6:57pm – More emojis.

6:58pm – JM – “Tell me Kiper doesn’t look like this.” [texts photo]

7:03pm – FT – I just don’t think Elliott will do anything special in the pros.  The idiot factor is too high.

7:05pm – FT – Twitter blowing up with rumor that Tunsil just tweeted a video of him taking bong rips through a gas mask.  High degree of difficulty IMO.

7:09pm – FT – What happens when Wentz is hanging out in LA with women who don’t also look like Bison. High probability of exposure.

7:15pm – FT – Rams pick Jared Goff and now we get to hear a repeat of the last 15 minutes.  Goff sports the smallest knot I’ve seen on a neck-tie since the John Cryer films of the 80’s.

7:18pm – JM – “I predict 1st pick will earn nickname ‘LuftGoffe” once his version of the air raid offense sweeps across the country.”

7:22pm – FT – Eagles know they can only play one QB at a time right?  Good luck Wentz.  That Philly fanbase is known for their hospitality.

7:25pm – FT – I want to beat Mel Kiper with a steel pipe for reminding us that all of these players ‘really love the game of football’.  Thanks for the analysis, Mel.

7:30pm – BC – “Wentz reminds me of a younger, slower Jim Druckenmiller.”

7:30pm – JM – “Wentz probably traded to Saskatchewan by week 5.”

7:31pm – Phone lights up repeatedly.  Consensus: LOL, You lose Bosa.  Next to Melvin Gordon, even you look serviceable.

Wentz – Eagles (2)

Bosa – Chargers (3)

7:33pm – BH – “Look at him (Bosa) intercept Wilton Speight!”

7:34pm – EH – “LOOK, THIS IS A FOOTBALL TEAM.  HERE’S A GUY YOU CAN USE ON GAMEDAY!”

7:37pm – Group wants to see Lewis Riddick stand up and kick Kiper’s ass for back-talking him.

Ezekiel Elliott – Cowboys (4)

7:40pm – Consensus is that the Cowboys should have gone elsewhere with this pick.

7:43pm – FT – I really hope this works out, but it will hurt if Ramsey does even half of what Marcus Peters did last year in Kansas City.

7:45pm – EH – “Shefty already plugging RB class next year.” He should because it’s going to be unreal.

7:47pm – FT – “Let’s not forget that Ramsey did not have a single INT in a weak ACC last year.”

Ramsey – Jaguars (5)

7:51pm – FT – I feel terrible for Jaylon Smith.  He would have been great for the Cowboys if healthy.

[Everyone loves the crowd booing Goddell]

Stanley – Ravens (6)

7:54pm – FT – Must be some teeth to the Tunsil rumors.  Wow Baltimore.  You’ll want Orlando Brown, you could be getting Jason Smith.

7:55pm – BH – “There are really people in Columbus who are wondering why Braxton Miller is off the board yet.”

7:57pm – HA, HACKED!!!!!

7:58pm – FT – Watch out, Gruden is fired up!  Strange for a guy who’s no more than 48 hours away from indictment for groping a Hooter’s server.

Buckner – 49ers (7)

8:01pm – FT – All I remember is that he (Buckner) was on skates for most of that Alamo Bowl.

8:03pm – BC – “Great clips of Buckner getting BLOWN UP hahaha.”

8:05pm – BH – “Love Browns strategy here.  Difficult to get a triple-F minus from Mel Kiper if you don’t make any picks.”

8:06pm – FT – All I’m saying is if any Twinkies go missing at Titans camp, they won’t have to look far.

8:07pm – BC – “Titans now have 7 first round picks on their offensive line.”  Wow.

Conklin – Titans (8)

8:09pm – BH – “The punishment Conklin doled out on that Connor Cook INT was super impressive.”

8:14pm – FT – I could not help myself…

8:15pm – FT – LOL Tunsil.

8:16pm – BH – “Ray Lewis might have stabbed someone to death, but let’s take Tunsil off our board for being a kid.” Ouch.

Leonard Floyd – Bears (9)

8:17pm – Group very divided on Floyd… lines being drawn.

8:18pm – EH – “Floyd facing weaker competition in the NFL tho…”

[Beer break]

Eli Apple – NY Giants (10)

8:23pm – FT – Odell Beckham must have negotiated that they draft a Buckeye so he can have a permanent practice bitch.

8:27pm – BH and I can’t wait for the Cowboys to take Tunsil in round 2.  The kid made a mistake.  Feels like a bit of a setup.  Recently sued by a close relative.

Vernon Hargreaves – Buccaneers (11)

8:35pm – FT – I hate Freeze.  The Ole Miss team throws off red flags left and right.

Sheldon Rankins – Saints (12)

8:38pm – FT – I like the Rankins pick.  They need it.  Would have liked to see Jarran Reed here.

Tunsil – Dolphins (13)

8:43pm – FT – Tunsil makes sense for Miami given the city’s long history in hiding drugs and money from the mainstream.

8:46pm – EH – “The sheer volume of hounds tooth patterns in the Tunsil seating area must be setting some sort of Draft record.”

8:47pm – FT – We’re all going to feel like garbage when we find out that it’s the ALS that makes Kiper sound like he had a molar drilled 30 minutes ago.

8:49pm – JM – “I’m naming my next album Gold chains, Bow-tie, Gas Mask.”

Karl Joseph – Raiders (14)

8:51pm – FT – Any player named after 2 Soviet dictators has a spot on my team.  Also hits like a step-father.

8:53pm – EH – “I would only wear a bow-tie if it were made from old leopard print stripper thongs… or actual leopards.  Either one.”

8:55pm – FT – Here come the Browns.  They are in an absolutely no win situation.

8:56pm – BC – “The Browns select William Green – Boston College.”

Corey Coleman – Browns (15)

8:58pm – FT – Thank you God. I was terrified that J Doctson was about to be sentenced to Cleveland.

Decker – Lions (16)

9:01pm – BH (Lions fan) – “Anyone who wears a League official Lions jacket in public probably needs an array of vaccines.”

9:03pm – JM (Also Lions fan) – “‘Inconsistent effort’ should fit right in with the Lions.”

9:05pm – FT – Just know that I despise Ohio State and we’ll leave it there.

Keanu Neal – Atlanta (17 – Huge reach IMO)

9:06pm – BH – “Any time you can take the 6th best OT in the Draft at 16, you do it!”

9:08pm – FT – Thanks Gruden, I’m sure your transition to the NFL will be smooth if you “have some trouble with man coverage”.

Ryan Kelly  – Colts (18)

9:12pm – FT – Kelly’s practice competition plummets once he gets to the League.

9:15pm – FT – Cowboys should be licking their chops with all this defensive line talent sliding.

Shaq Lawson – Bills (19)

9:17pm – FT – Interesting, does this potentially make Jerry Hughes a cap casualty?

[Goes and plays with the family dogs for 5 mins]

9:24pm – JM – “Paxton Lynch looks like the kind of guy who’d try to bum a bunch of keybumps at an Alice in Chains cover band concert.”

Darron Lee – NY Jets (20)

9:25pm – FT – This is great, this guy has almost as much upside as Vernon Gholston.

9:27pm – Group agrees on-air talent is shredding the quality of this Draft.  Definitely more than any recent memory.

9:30pm – FT – Everyone should Google “Tunsil + Agent + Hacking + Statement”, then try to avoid vomiting after reading it.  Blames failures in cyber-security legislation.  Not kidding.

Will Fuller – Texans (21)

9:32pm – FT - Really fast but thin, bad at running routes and with suspect hands.  What’s not to like?

9:37pm – FT – Don’t be surprised when Doctson gets more than a few comparisons to Randy Moss.  Yeah, you heard me.

JOSH DOCTSON – Redskins (22)

9:39pm – FT – Cousins just got a weapon.  I love it!  Congrats JD!

9:40pm – FT – Wow, someone hand Mel a moist towelette.

9:41pm – FT – This is amazing.  Riddick just said that Doctson “put on an catching expedition” at the Combine. Amazing.

9:43pm – JM – “Redskins haven’t gotten a morale boost like this since Custer’s Last Stand.”

Laquon Treadwell – Vikings (23)

9:47pm – FT – This is why you want to run fast at the Combine.

William Jackson – Bengals (24) “SEE YA PACKMAN”

Artie Burns – Steelers (25)

9:56pm – FT – Wow, Burns getting shredded by Kiper & Riddick.  You shouldn’t draft a project at 25.

10:02pm – FT – Make a Wish is awesome.

Paxton Lynch – Broncos (26)

10:03pm – FT – The best QB in this draft IMO.

10:04pm – JM – “Too bad there’s not a Foundation for all the former NFL players who have brain damage. Thanks Mr. Commissioner.” Ouch.

Kenny Clark – Packers (27)

10:12pm – FT – Crazy that Bama tackles are still on the board.  I think both of them are better than Clark.

Joshua Garnett – 49ers (28)

10:19pm – FT – Kevin Hogan’s throwing motion is awful.

NKemdiche – Cardinals (29)

10:25pm – FT - We’re 36 months away from this moron’s federal indictment for parrot smuggling.  Giving him an apartment with his brother and a few million dollars is a fantastic idea.

10:27pm – FT – Likely taking a pay cut to join the Cardinals…

Vernon Butler – Panthers (30)

10:34pm – FT – Crazy that Seattle already has 2 good starting defensive tackles.

Germain Ifedi – Seahawks (31)

10:40pm – FT - Has all the measurables but has unlawfully held more people than Guantanamo Bay.  Good night everyone.